"Humiliated Meghan" in this week's dubious tabloids

‘National Enquirer’

The Royal soap opera continues to entertain the tabloids, with this week’s ‘Enquirer’ cover story screaming: “Humiliated Meghan Cancelled By Hollywood! Diva dreams turn total nightmare!”

Netflix has cancelled the animated series ‘Pearl’ being developed by Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan as part of their reported $100 million deal with the streaming service, and all their other shows “are facing the chopping block” according to an unnamed insider.

Netflix has issued a statement emphasising their continued support for the royal couple and their production slate, so that’s probably the kiss of death to the entire deal.

“Johnny & Amber Flunk Lie Tests!”

No, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard didn’t sit down and strap in for a polygraph. The ‘Enquirer’ ran audio of their libel suit’s courtroom testimony through a “DecepTech” lie detector, which sounds like something that might be given away in a pack of cornflakes, but allegedly diagnosed that “both battling exes aren’t telling total truth.”

Science at its very best.

The love life of Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger, aged 78, continues to fascinate the ‘Enquirer,’ which reports: “Mick’s Got His Flirt On Again!”

Jagger is still with his lover of eight years, former ballerina Melanie Hamrick,, aged 35, but a source claims “he still can’t resist checking out the chicks!”

Apparently written by a journalist who last spoke to a breathing female in 1983.

‘Globe’

Breaking with years of tradition, the ‘Globe’ appears to have a real story on its cover . . . if it’s true.

“Naomi Judd Suicide Cover-Up Exposed!” Yells the headline. “Country queen, 76, shot herself!”

That counts as a decent (if invasive) scoop if it’s accurate. Judd’s suicide after struggling with mental illness has been previously reported, but it was unknown how she took her own life.

“Monroe’s Mortician Tells All.”

Undertaker Allan Abbott reveals that Marilyn Monroe was looking aged, bloated, and the roots of her hair were showing when she turned up on his slab in 1962.

But he said all this in his memoir, ‘Pardon My Hearse,’ published in 2015 and widely reported at the time.

It was also the year that Abbott died, but seven years later he “tells all” to the Globe, apparently from beyond the grave. Have the ‘Globe’ reporters resorted to doing interview via a Ouija board? Or perhaps the editorial staff has only recently learned to read?

“Cancer Op For Paranoid Putin.”

You would expect the ‘Globe’ crack geopolitical reporting team to have the exclusive story on Putin going under the knife for cancer, and the tabloid doesn’t disappoint.

But the rag surprisingly has no idea what form of cancer the Russian president is facing, and admits that he hasn’t even had surgery, but merely “agreed to go under the knife in the near future.” Right.

“Did Carrie FIsher’s Ghost Doom Dan’s Marriage?”

One can only hope that the answer to that question is a resounding “Yes!”

‘Ghostbusters’ star Dan Aykroyd’s wife of 39 years Donna has reportedly left him, and the late ‘Star Wars’ princess is apparently to blame, because she was allegedly “the real love of his life.”

Can’t argue with the facts, especially where ghosts and a Ghostbuster are involved.

‘People’

Actress Selma Blair is this week’s cover girl, revealing: “How I Survived Addiction & Abuse.”

As she struggles to live with multiple sclerosis, Blair talks in her new memoir about “drinking from age 7, an eating disorder and sexual abuse.”

It’s a wonder she survived, revealing: “I came home from elementary school and more often than not I cracked open a beer before starting my homework.”

Maybe worth trying as an alternative to Adderall.

She was sexually assaulted by a teacher in high school, and “when I wasn’t in class, I drank,” and lived “with reckless behavior,” she confesses.

But Blair concludes: “I’m still here . . . and I’m okay,” though that may not be everyone’s definition of “okay.”

“Marilyn Monroe – Unheard Tapes.”

A cache of vintage interviews “sheds new light on the star’s haunting death,” claims the mag. But the interviews aren’t with Monroe.

They are chats with more than 650 sources for author Anthony Summers’ 1985 book ‘Goddess: The Secret Lives of Marilyn Monroe.’

In other words, the best material in these interviews all came out 37 years ago, and Summers is just trying to cash in on them again, using them as the basis for a new Netflix documentary.

Repeated are all the ancient allegations: Hollywood private eye Fred Otash claiming that he secretly recorded Monroe and JFK making love; Bobby Kennedy possibly visiting Monroe in her final hours; and sources claiming Monroe’s apparent suicide was a murder covered up by powerful forces.

As ever in the tabloids, what’s old is new again.

‘Us Weekly’

Jennifer Garner dominates this week’s cover: “Jen’s Engagement Shock – New Ring, Big Trouble!”

The mag claims that Jennifer Garner is engaged, and that she and ex-husband Ben Affleck are “racing to the altar.” Not with each other, of course; they are racing to beat one other to the altar with their respective new loves.

Garner has been wearing a diamond ring since November, igniting engagement speculation, and nothing has been confirmed since then, but ‘Us Weekly’ decided to swing for the fences anyway.

Friends are allegedly “warning her to take it slow.”

Garner should sue over the unflattering cover photo.

Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us Weekly’ to tell us that Danai Gurira wore it best (a rare defeat for Emily Ratajkowski), that ‘2 Broke Girls’ alum Beth Bears loves “a good fart joke,” and that the stars are just like us: they watch live sports, walk their dogs, go shopping and grab coffee to go.

Elsewhere in the tabloids:

‘Life & Style’

Kim Kardashian says: “Kanye’s Making My Life Hell!” Except she is unlikely to have ever spoken with the rag, and anyone who reads the tabloids has seen this story floated a dozen times over the past six months.

‘In Touch’

“Johnny & Amber’s House of Horrors.”

The most sensational highlights of Depp and Heard’s courtroom testimony in their race-to-the-bottom libel lawsuit are regurgitated: “Drugs, Violence & Dungeon’ Role-Playing.”

Onwards and downwards . . .

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