The paradox: People often think of sex when they are not having sex – at work as well as during a ride on the subway. Fleeting thoughts and impressions, but still: sex! And then if he has sex, bang, the brain wanders off into everyday life and makes off. Here, too, we should learn to concentrate better, I have heard several times on this subject. You have to stick to the “thing” much more – in this case, the delights of sexual intercourse. But how? Lie there, breathe deeply in and out, close your eyes – focus, focus, focus? A bit like moving meditation – with shaking, shaking, in and out. A good way of thinking, if it weren’t for our “monkey mind”, which in its restlessness even pushes itself between the feelings of pleasure in order to keep us from the essentials, from enjoying, from letting go.
I have now read something exciting about this in the new book “Concentration” by Volker Kitz (Kiepenheuer & Witsch) – namely the concept of “Sober Sex”, which was developed by the sex therapist Remziye Kunelaki in a psychosexual clinic in London. Many patients there complained that they could not concentrate on sex. So much so that it became unsatisfactory and they threw themselves into other distractions – alcohol, drugs, or even more sex, in search of more intensity and sensation. “Sober Sex” means “sober” sex, without intoxicants, but also without a headache. The therapist has devised a special program for this purpose, which aims to restore people’s concentration on sexuality – so that body and mind are reconnected and the head stops its own life. It starts with masturbation, which, in this context, she calls “healthy masturbation”. A kind of meditation masturbation that focuses exclusively on what is: touching, feeling your own body, silence and calm instead of fantasies and pornographic images. Advanced students then continue this practice with their partners – aimless action combined with the idea of simply feeling. Do not allow any other thoughts – and if they come nevertheless, let them drift away like clouds in the sky. That’s something. We have thousands of ways to distract ourselves like never before, just think of your smartphone. The distraction machine par excellence, the force of which follows us into sleep – and into cohabitation. A little less of it would do us good. Us – and our sensuality.